(Single) Motherhood

I have a love-hate relationship with the term single mother. No, I'm not married. No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, Ella's father is not in the picture, so yes by definition I am indeed a single mother. However, I don't feel like a single mother. Maybe it's because when I pictured single motherhood before I was a single mother I pictured late nights filled with worry, empty bank accounts, heart wrenching loneliness and struggle like I've never seen before. Well, my picture was pretty accurate now that I see it written down (Except the loneliness, that hasn't been a part of my journey yet). My vision however lacked the other side of the story, of my story. It lacked the support that came in all forms to my side, it lacked family, it lacked friends, it lacked the overwhelming joy of being a mother.

Motherhood strengthened my faith, reconnected my family, and made me own myself. I was so scared bringing this life into the world by myself. I've never considered myself a strong woman. I waver. I bend. I cower. I had to come up with a game plan. How was I going to make it through the rough patches? Self-reflection was something I started before I got pregnant and it became much more important to constantly check-in with myself to prevent the proverbial melt down that plagued my high school and college days. The most important tool I've used, however, is asking myself "would this problem not exist or be made better if I had a partner?". The answer to this question has been no majority of the time. Asking the question has stopped my habit of thinking things could be immensely improved by the presence of a mate. When truth be told that would only make for harder work and more complications.

Right now things are tough. Some nights are filled with tears but there's something so beautiful about this struggle. Single motherhood has been everything and nothing like I pictured it. Thank God!