When You Want To Die But The Internet Won't Let You

Nostalgia pictures just seem right when you're discussing suicide

"why shouldn't I kill myself" yup Google searched that tonight. XoJane returned the best result to my search because it got me laughing and on my blog writing instead of in my head thinking. Life's got me down today and I guess I've almost convinced myself my life is not worth the work it requires. I'll do a little spin-off of the XoJane article and make my own list as to why I shouldn't quit life just yet.

1. I'm a mom. I have to leave a better legacy than "dead". Not just dead either "dead on purpose".

2. I can't un-kill myself next week. I'm a woman who has the right to change her mind & dead people don't change their minds.

3. I'm sure some people would cry. My friends and family would always wonder what more they could've done. The answer is always nothing but they will still wonder.

4. I still look good. I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy size, my skin is clear and my hair has never been thicker. Vain, I know but when you get this low you're pretty much grasping at straws.

5. Jesus would never forgive me. I'm pretty sure that just voids the whole salvation thing.

Life is work. Don't quit before you get a chance to reap the benefits.

No Longer Secretly Co-sleeping

"And she's still sleeping on her back in the bassinet?" "Yes." I lied.

I've told this lie at every one of Ella's check-ups so far. I get it co-sleeping is seen as a very unsafe practice in America. Suffocation, SIDS, fostering unhealthy dependency. The list of reasons to not do it go on and on. The benefits for us, however, far outweighed the risks. Tonight Ella is in her Moses basket but many nights she is right in bed next to me.

It mostly started as a necessity to establish breastfeeding and keep my sanity but it also felt unnatural to not have my baby next to me. It never felt risky or dangerous. I wanted her to always feel secure and she felt that most next to me. Above all the bonding aspect is the most important. I imagine we will continue to co-sleep until it no longer benefits Ella or myself.

While She Sleeps: Pride Comes Before The Fall

Today's post is very candid. I just woke up, although I hardly slept at all last night. I was up worrying about settling into my new role as a mom and provider. My plate is full. Overflowing. I'm constantly asking myself if I'm really doing all I can. This morning I had to admit I'm maxed out. I have more on my plate than I could possibly consume. In a past life now would be the point where I start hiding the extent to which I'm overwhelmed. I'm too tired to hide it. I have too much to lose if everything falls apart because I didn't to ask for help. Not today pride, I'm working on something that requires humility.

-Erin+Ella

Soy-rizo Fried Rice

I'm sure this is not a thing but it should be. I put this together randomly tonight and it is delish!
I made my fried rice with brow rice and zucchini and eggplant instead of carrots and celery. I sautéed my veggies with some soy-rizo and seasoned it with seasoned salt and red pepper flakes. Then I added my cooked brown rice and an egg. I cooked my rice until it started to brown and the egg was cooked and there you have it.

-Erin+Ella

Lactation Cookies + Thai Iced Tea

I have been letting Ella fall asleep on my chest since I got back from a work trip that had me away from her for three days. So it was no surprise that she raised Cain when I laid her in her Moses basket to go to sleep while I baked some cookies. Long story short, it took me about three hours to finally get these cookies out the oven. I've been making these cookies religiously for her two months of life. They are so unhealthy but really helped me with my milk production those first few weeks. Now they're mostly just for my enjoyment. I use this recipe from Food.com and add 1/4 cup of flour and omit the water to prevent the cookies from flattening out like pancakes during baking.

I've also been on a Thai iced tea kick. There's the best little donut shop around the corner from my apartment where I've been stopping by on my way home for the past three nights. I order a large tea and I'll stretch it out into about three glasses throughout the night. I think it's time to take a trip to Thai Town to grab some Thai tea leaves so I can make it at home.

Til' next time,

-Erin + Ella

(Single) Motherhood

I have a love-hate relationship with the term single mother. No, I'm not married. No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, Ella's father is not in the picture, so yes by definition I am indeed a single mother. However, I don't feel like a single mother. Maybe it's because when I pictured single motherhood before I was a single mother I pictured late nights filled with worry, empty bank accounts, heart wrenching loneliness and struggle like I've never seen before. Well, my picture was pretty accurate now that I see it written down (Except the loneliness, that hasn't been a part of my journey yet). My vision however lacked the other side of the story, of my story. It lacked the support that came in all forms to my side, it lacked family, it lacked friends, it lacked the overwhelming joy of being a mother.

Motherhood strengthened my faith, reconnected my family, and made me own myself. I was so scared bringing this life into the world by myself. I've never considered myself a strong woman. I waver. I bend. I cower. I had to come up with a game plan. How was I going to make it through the rough patches? Self-reflection was something I started before I got pregnant and it became much more important to constantly check-in with myself to prevent the proverbial melt down that plagued my high school and college days. The most important tool I've used, however, is asking myself "would this problem not exist or be made better if I had a partner?". The answer to this question has been no majority of the time. Asking the question has stopped my habit of thinking things could be immensely improved by the presence of a mate. When truth be told that would only make for harder work and more complications.

Right now things are tough. Some nights are filled with tears but there's something so beautiful about this struggle. Single motherhood has been everything and nothing like I pictured it. Thank God!